Two boys organize highly successful "Occupy Bathroom" movement

Two Upper West Side boys have been credited with waging the country's most successful "Occupy" movement to date, taking over their family's sole bathroom for 90 consecutive days. The adolescents began the movement with no particular political goal in mind. "I'm against corporate greed," said movement founder Samuel Tarpley, 13. "But I really just wanted a quiet place to play Minecraft." Brother Ethan, 10, shared his idealism. "When you think about the economic disparity that exists in this country, it really makes you just want to go somewhere and watch YouTube for a few hours." Although the brothers were eventually ousted by authorities, they quickly regrouped, forming successful "Occupy Sofa" and "Occupy TV" movements. "We are the 99%," they proclaimed.

Preservation society names UWS apartment an "unrestored relic"

The National Trust for Historic Preservation has recognized Todd and Jennifer Tarpley for maintaining their Upper West Side apartment in its original, Depression-era condition. "So many apartments have been renovated beyond recognition," explained a spokesperson. "Yet here is a rare example that hasn't been touched in decades." The apartment features original, urine-stained hardwood floors, peeling plaster, and a front doorknob that turns only to the right and occasionally falls off. The Trust also lauded the creativity of the apartment's bathroom, which "is like stepping into a disco-era time warp, right down to the vintage 1970s grout." The Tarpleys stated that they "try to honor the integrity of the original apartment without resorting to fads like shower handles and lead-free paint."

Snobby Manhattanites mocked at campground

A New York City family on a summer camping trip "thought they was too good for God's green earth," according to regulars at a popular Delaware River campground. The family of four arrived in a "fancy schmancy" rental car, didn't know how to pitch a tent or start a fire, and seemed frightened by the campground's permanent mobile home residents. After swimming in the campground's unheated pool for only 20 minutes, they refused to participate in crafts activities or the evening magic show. "We ain't got no heated pool like the Econolodge," said campground regular Goober Pyle. "They bought about $100 worth of supplies in the general store," reported camp manager Barney Fife, "like they was afraid they wasn't gonna survive the night!" Camper Ernest T. Bass agreed. "I'd like to see them Rockefellers try to skin a squirrel!"

NYC high school admission process fries brain of 13-yr-old

Authorities report that 8th grader Samuel Tarpley has successfully completed the grueling New York City high school admissions process. He is now resting comfortably at home and receiving fluids intravenously. "The application process is comparable to a 6-month-long colonoscopy," explained a city official, "only less pleasant." Samuel visited a dozen schools, went on five interviews, took two standardized tests, and wrote multiple application essays. "At this point, Samuel's brain activity has been reduced to that of a potato," explained the official. "The good news is that this puts him at the 85th percentile of NYC public high school students."